I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
