my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
