Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
