i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
