You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
