his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
