Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
this hospital has no fireball
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My bed smells like the plague
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
