Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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