This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
