Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
