Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
