Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
