Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
