I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
