Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
