I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
