I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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