I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
