I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
