Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
