I've blown a few things in my day
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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