I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
two words...techno handjob
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
