Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The adults are the big ones right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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