took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
