the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
