remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
