You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
