Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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