and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
