Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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