2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
