youre lurking in front of me
the condom got lost in my hair
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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