everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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