Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
