peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
True strength comes from lack of pants
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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