Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
