ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
