Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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