why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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