In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
