what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
