Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
