remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
