I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
