I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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