Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
