she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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