He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
