My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
