Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
