You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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