I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
