I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
