I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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