the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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